If you’ve read about my experience with group therapy or journey through anxiety, you can tell that I’ve practiced my share of “self care”. It’s one of those topics that I’m grateful is gaining traction (it’s easy to roll your eyes at a new buzzword, but if it involves tools for managing mental health, I’m all for it), but that could use deeper insight.
We’ll talk a lot about the true meaning of self care here on wallflower, but before we really dive in, I’d like to share what I’ve learned over years of experimenting with how to properly manage my own health and wellness (particularly as it relates to stress and anxiety), and what I find to be at the heart of this concept.
Self care is a value
Those who value self-care can choose the best actions for them to honor that value and live up to it. Values are those ideas you live your life by—and while we’re not always there, we usually strive to have our actions line up with those values. For example, if I value caring for my own wellbeing, I might take actions like getting enough sleep, going to therapy etc. The way we distance ourselves from values has to do with taking actions that don’t align, such as overworking, burying my feelings, etc.
I really like thinking of self-care this way because it means that it’s an ongoing commitment. It recognizes that you can’t do any *one* thing to be well, and it’s never over.
It’s a journey and even if we fall down, we can always pick ourselves back up. We can always be kinder to ourselves. We can always make an effort.
Acts of self care are not the only actions we take
If not ALL your actions line up with your values, don’t worry—you’re human. You’re taking in so much stimuli on a daily—even hourly—basis that any time you make a decision to live in alignment with your values, you are creating a balance. I think with life being so complicated, and careers increasingly fast paced and demanding, we’ve started to really feel that imbalance. When life is busy, self care is the first to go. It’s the easiest to leave out, because we’re only letting ourselves down, whereas we never want to let work, family, etc., down.
So by leaving our own selves out of the picture so often (again, it’s bound to happen sometimes), we’ve created this enormous imbalance. Any act of self-care is an act toward restoring this balance. It doesn’t mean you’re suddenly “cured” of stress or anxiety or other uncomfortable feelings, it just means you’re managing it better.
There is a difference between acts of self care and self-soothing
Let’s delve into the psychology of self care a bit. If you’ve discussed anxiety or depression with a therapist or mental health professional in recent times, you might understand this difference. Basically, managing your mental health has much more to do with how actions affect you in the long term, rather than short term.
Self-soothing actions are more about those that comfort you in the short term, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are contributing toward your overall wellness. Don’t get me wrong (and I’m not a psychologist!), there are plenty of soothing self care acts out there, such as catching up on sleep when it’s much needed!
But calling in sick and laying on the couch binging Netflix because you don’t know if you can face the world today is more of a self-soothing act—a temporary comfort—than making that effort to go outside and get some fresh air, if even for a bit.
(As a side note from someone who’s experienced anxiety and depression, one quick act of self care that helps you feel better right away is getting a sense of accomplishment. So getting off that couch or making the phone call you’re anxious about, etc., can give you such relief. You’ll feel so accomplished having taken an action that was necessary but incredibly difficult for you.)
Self-soothing without self-care can lead to a lot of “vegging out” and at least for me, a lot of excuses. Oh, and wine. It’s easier and it feels better at the time. Self care often means forcing yourself to do something that you may not even want to do—like working out or going to the doctor—because you know it will benefit you overall, not because it feels good in the moment.
It’s kind of the difference between being that shoulder to cry on and giving some tough love. Both are acts of care and love, both are necessary at different times, but one can also include some difficult actions or uncomfortable feelings.
Both are important, I think, but I like to be aware of the distinction so I can recognize when I’m choosing temporary acts of comfort rather than actions that contribute to long term growth and wellness, which can often be uncomfortable at first.
at times, self care is really freaking hard
When considering self care as a way of living in alignment with your values, and at times making the decision to choose long-term benefits rather than acts of self soothing, you can see how self care isn’t quite as easy as it seems.
It’s not as easy as a face mask, not as easy as phone a friend. It looks different every day, and there is no single solution.
But, like most difficult things, taking care of yourself is always worth the effort. You just have to trust in yourself, and one day, you’ll look back at how far you’ve really come.
What self care topics would you like to see on wallflower next? Can’t wait to hear your thoughts!
